Changes

So, this blog will change a little bit in character from now on.

I will be using it more to give updates to friends and family about my travelling experiences, but also keep in touch with the purpose of this blog, following the internal travels and changes.

Landed in Bangkok on the 6th of January, with swollen feet from the long flight. The hot, dry air mixed with exhaust and dust that welcomed us outside of the airport reminded me of Tehran.

We stayed at a guest house in a touristy area for 3 nights, just acclimatizing to the weather and the food. We also met up with a friend of a friend for a night out with dinner, moonshine (the alcohol kind) and a concert. Was a good time, but we arent drinking moonshine again for a while, Ill tell you that…

6 hour busride later, and we’re on the boat to Koh Chang and Lonely Beach. We are relaxing in our hammock, taking swims and trying our best to repel mosquitoes Its quite touristy though, but the atmosphere is good and there are plenty of good people here as well as the drunk 18-yearolds on their first trip.

Likes; shaving off my beard, green curry and swimming.

Dislikes; the predjudice between fellow travellers, green curry down the wrong pipe and time zone difference meaning the premier league games start at 3am.

Going back to Bangkok in a few days to meet up with my best friend from childhood, Kitidet, and go with him to his hometown of Phitsanulok.

Going to add a video and some pictures later, but forgot to bring the camera with me now.

Checking out…

Leaving on a jetplane, dont know when Ill be back again…

This post will be about my last year living here in Kristiansand, and about the journey ahead of me.

My arrival in Kristiansand was prompted by being depressed living in Oslo, and wanting to stay closer to my parents for a while to “check-in” and enjoy some parental love. I had a clear plan to try and settle for a while, trying to make a home for my self and take better care of myself. I also started this blog.

After starting my new job in summer 2009 and moving in to my new apartment, my plan lasted for about a year. I was eating better, relying less on sex to feed my ego and making my apartment look and feel like a home.

I always knew though, that I would be leaving again at some point. And after having finished my thesis in June 2010, I started looking ahead, and a couple of months later I was settled on leaving Norway after Christmas. Since July, I had increasing problems focusing on my job (this is also because I felt my work there was sort of  “done” and I found myself doing less interesting tasks than I thought I would be doing), with increased tardiness and less enthusiasm.

Instead, I found myself initiating more projects outside of my job, making my interest in the job even smaller. I started working some shifts at my favourite pub, and taking over as the pubs new quiz master. I was also asked by my former employer in Oslo to conduct several trainings in peace work in the weekends, something which gives me the most joy doing.

My employers were less than thrilled and gave me several warnings. I resigned, but still had to work 3 more months. Not being able to plan ahead for projects next year didnt help my enthusiasm either, and I more or less felt like a part of the furniture when being at work. So finally their patience ran out with my tardiness, and I was fired.

This whole process with trying out being a public servant with a full time job (for the first time in my life) was interesting. Firstly, I’m impressed with the work they do at a public library. Secondly, I learned that I’m not really cut out to be a part of a bureaucratic organisation. So then where will I work? Let’s come back to that shortly.

I have to say a few words about my friends here. It took me some time finding them, but when I did I knew instantly. I hung out in a couple of groups of people before “landing” at Javel Pub. A group of actual friends that hang out not only at each others houses doing normal fun activities but also having a love for hanging out at their favourite pub without getting drunk (and sometimes do get drunk). A place where you can chat, plays darts, attend the weekly quiz or see live music and meet good people with the same taste for rock n’ roll music.

My friends know who they are, none mentioned and none left out. =) What hit me immediately upon entering the pub and watching these people interact, was how comfortable and confident they were and the love with which they interacted with each other. I introduced myself, and was greeted with open arms. This marked the beginning of new friendships and bonds for life. Without this group of individuals, I think its fair to say I would have left Kristiansand much earlier. So thank you, all of you. We will meet again, I am sure of it =)

I always knew though, that I would be leaving again at some point. And now, that time has come.

As always, its difficult leaving people I care about. This time not only my friends, but my parents and my sister as well.

On the other hand, leaving will give me the chance to reconnect with one of my dearest friends from my home town. We are going to share this new adventure, and I can not think of anyone I would rather travel with. Joakim is truly enlightened in many ways, and he shares with love and cares with passion. He speaks in a direct manner and is my biggest critic, always making sure my ego stays in its place. This will not just be a trip of egoist adventure, but of spiritual adventure and learning, helping each other to keep control of our egos along the way. He might use other words for it, but our vision is very much a common one about living in the moment and being the best we can be.

After backpacking for about three months, in Thailand, Laos, Vietnam and Cambodia, we will go to the city of Davao in the Philippines.

Here comes the other big reason why I’m happy about leaving. Just like I will meet my friends from Kristiansand later, I am going to meet up with a very dear friend from my time in Austria. Of all the good people at the Peace University, I ended up missing her the most, already from the moment she left on the bus waving from the window.

I see it in some ways that my journey these last five years have been leading up to the point when I get to see her again. Back then, I was not ready to understand or appreciate her love for me. The personal, spiritual journey I have taken since then made me suddenly realize how we somehow have a connection. The actual result of this connection, what we are meant to be, is still to be found out for sure.

So where are we ending up? In a way, it is not a very interesting question, because through living in the now as much as possible I believe we will end up where we are supposed to be. So nothing is for certain, except this moment.

Even so, I have made some useful experiences as to what I enjoy doing the most and whether I like it or not, I have a student loan that requires me to have an income. This requires some active use of the ego, putting it to good use to make money along the way of this flowing connectedness of moments of right now.

I would like to be responsible for myself, also in a working space. No more bosses, no more power, no more bureaucracy. I would like to be working as a trainer in peace and conflict resolution. So the plan my ego has put together is to open a business, or a peace organisation somewhere. The initial plan is to check out the city of Jogyakarta in Indonesia. If successful, this might become my home for a while.

Being ones one boss is one thing, but setting up an organisation like that usually requires some staff in varying functions. So how can I be a non-bureaucratic, non-powerbased boss that brings light, love and enthusiasm into a working environment?

Well, first of all I dont want the working place to be “work”. If you find something you enjoy doing, and that can be almost anything as long as you really enjoy being with your colleagues, you simply stop working and start living. So the organisation will hopefully be a place full of life. Crossing ones fingers is not enough, though. Dedication and mindfulness, being present with people and being present in yourself in every moment is the key. I look very much forward to being able to try to create something like this. If all else fails, we can always open a bar or go back to being a pawn in a bureaucracy…

My parents are happy for me, but also concerned. Will I get sick? Will I be mugged? How long am I gone for? What about earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis and typhoons?

This choice of moving to the other side of the planet certainly feels like starting a “new life”, with a blank slate. My life up till now has been preparing me for this. And the biggest part of my life so far has been my parents. It feels right, and somewhat important to start “my own life”, and at the same time there is a grief because of splitting away from them. It is a grief because of leaving my whole “old life” behind, because I really dont know when or if Ill be back again.

I have come to understand the term of being “reborn”. Firstly becoming aware of my own ego, and then the process of taking control over it, can be compared to the beginning of the life of a human being. It feels like I am still in the womb of our spiritual connectedness, waiting to be ready to spawn. Waiting to be reborn to a life of real love and awareness.

There are two births, the first where we are born a blank slate and then formed by whatever people and society we are exposed to, creating our egoic identities. After becoming adjusted to this world, there is an acute sense that there is something still missing. Finding our true nature, going back to and forward at the same time, to that state of a blank slate. That is, at least, how it feels for me.

To help the process, I want to leave Norway. Despite having to leave my parents, who I love very much, I am looking forward to it. The extreme identity-based lifestyle in Norway is a barren wasteland for spirituality. I would like my true self to be born again in a different context, as well as I think leaving for a place with more spiritual nutrition will help speed up the growth in the womb and make me ready for rebirth. And not just the place I’m leaving from and going to, but the journey itself is of the essence.

Instead of becoming stagnant, and succumbing to a life of suffering.

Just before take-off, I want to give my parents and my sister a farewell note:

I love you so much, and thank you for loving me. =) You are the biggest reason why I have been prepared for this journey, and remember…there are no such things are good-byes…only see you laters =)

Until we meet again,

Be your very best.

Ola

Robert, this one is for you

Hello world……about time to check in again…

Its been 7 months since my last post….but I have constantly kept this blog in mind, thinking of topics etc…..but never found the inspiration I guess.

Well, now its here.

Id like to share some thoughts about personal development, and perhaps also the lack of it.

I am here still. Are you?

At EPU (The European Peace University) I met a lot of good people. This post is for all of you as well. And your egos, as well as mine…=)

I havent written about my experience there in clear text before, perhaps because its still pretty close even if its 3 years ago.

Sometimes I think that I would like to do it all over again, being who I am today compared to who I was back then. But then I always think NO, thats not a good idea. Im glad I was there at the time I was there. It was the perfect arena for learning.

Not talking about class. Im talking about meeting people and been given the chance of looking at myself in the mirror. “Peace Camp” was ridiculed by many a student, all of whom had big egos. “Classes are stupid”, “people here are infatile”, “Im better than this”. I can only admit that I was one of those students saying this from time to time.

From a certain perspective, peace camp was a big failure. But that is the ego perspective. Later having had the opportunity to go through a change of consciousness, my world view has changed drastically. But then again, perhaps not that much?

One of the key elements of knowing a transformation had taken place within myself, was the ablitiy to look back at people who I met and see their behaviours in a completely new light. Some of these being people that I didnt particularly like at the time, others being people who I liked but didnt really know why.

Both kinds are people who have helped me tremendously in getting to a point where I realised that all of my supposed knowledge and perceived greatness was really worth nothing. Nothing.

I look back and see two things (the generalised version for this purpose):

People who were identified with their egos and people not being identified with their egos. The first person that I can say with certainty that I met, not being identified with his own ego was Robert. For obvious reasons, knowing what I know today, his presence created havoc. For a lot of people, he was like their hero. Others withdrew or needed to stay away from him.

Some said that he had two sides, being “on the job” and “being himself”. Those who said this, all agreed that they liked “the real him” better. Mostly being girls, who were charmed by him but didnt agree with the “role” he played when being “on the clock”.

I got to see both sides, probably better than most. I didnt make that distinction.

In class, he was ever present. It seemed like he was meeting everyones eyes all the time. He was a real presence, but never seemed intrusive or full of himself.  He made people feel safe, and smile more than usual. He was just there, people would trust his every move.

Outside of class he was drinking alcohol and making crude jokes, but also taking time to see every person in class seperately. Some girls (and some boys) would argue that they liked his “out of class personality” better than the other. I didnt see then what I see now.

They were truly influenced by his presence, all of them. A person being truly present will always influence people. Some would respond positively, others negatively. What they have in common are their egos. Some egos want to bathe in this persons light, hoping that they will benefit from it. Others see this presence as a threat, needing to badmouth and withdraw, not being seen as a “follower”.

For my own part, still at that time being very much identified with my own ego, I didnt quite know what to make of him. I was enthralled but also cautios. What I could not escape was the acute sense of being seen, feeling important whenenver he was around. I think in retrospect he made every person in the room feel the same way, whether they were open for it or not.

This puzzled me for quite some time, knowing that I saw myself doing much of the same as Robert was doing professionally in the future. How could I implement some of what he was doing so successfully, while still being my own “self”?

At this point, Id like to add one more observation. What puzzled me perhaps the most, was his unwillingness to take advantage of the situation. The situation being that he was popular. Why did he not have sex with half the female population at EPU even if they were throwing themselves at him? Why didnt he even do it at private parties back in Romania? This was where my own ego had its biggest problems of understanding.

Now then, in retrospect. After having seen this light, made the change in consciousness. Robert was among the first people that came to mind. I could never understand him truly before, but now suddenly I knew instantly. He has gone through this transformation long ago. He then became even more important to me than before, without even having spoken to him directly for 3 years. He became for me, the symbol of how much light and love you can create around you, just by being present and in the now. Because he is no superman, he just knows how to channel postive energy and passing it on to a group of people.

Never before had I really understood what “being the change” meant.

Never before had I really understood how much positive thinking and positive being really influenced my surroundings.

It wouldnt have mattered what his class was about, it would still have been the ONE class that I would have remembered better then all the rest. Because of his incredible intellect? No. Because of his people skills? No.

Because of his presence, always being in the now. And not only that, but being able to channel positive energy through himself and give it freely to others, no matter who they were.

Not very surprising actually, that some would take their distance from him. For a strong ego to meet someone who are not identified with their own ego means that your own ego feels the need to step away, even patronise or ridicule this behaviour.

The real lesson here though, is that no matter how you react to such a presence, it can only bring good. Some egos meeting him will be encouraged to take a look at themselves, others will through their resistance bring themselves inevitably closer to having to make a reality check sooner rather than later.

Checking out.

Light and Love

And thank you Robert.

The long road that is right now

Lately I have had a few disappointments…

For the first time since 2005 I had more than two consecutive dates with the same person…only to find (again) that the timing wasnt right for either of us. I was looking forward to spending a weekend with a person I was really intrigued by last year and whom I reconnected with, only to find that she cancelled it last moment. Instead I went out drinking with friends and although it was fun I got too drunk and egotistical (2: an exaggerated sense of self-importance) and managed to get asked to leave the after-party.

Also, and this has been going on for a while; I havent written a word on my thesis for a month(originally being due August 1st, but now being postponed) and I havent done anything else considered “mundane” household chores. I cant find the peace within at bedtime, and therefore while not drinking til early morning I stay up watching movies until I cant keep my eyes open any longer.

So, what is this all about? I still have a long way to go it seems, to be able to connect with the present moment and let true creativity and passion come through me. All I seem to be able to do, is writing some of these blogposts.

Being egotistical while drunk comes as no surprise to anyone ever having been drunk I guess, drunkenness is the realm of the ego. So I cant really be disappointed in my actions while being drunk, the problem is having the need to get drunk in the first place. People have different reasons for getting drunk, and sometimes its a good way of relaxing and hanging out with good friends. But in most cases, I would argue, it boils down to escaping from the present moment.

In that sense, not being very different from the reason I cant go to sleep but stay up watching movies. Watching movies can be a good thing as well, obviously, but it depends on your reason for watching them. My reason lately has been the same as with drinking, escaping from having to look into myself and being present. If its not a movie, then its facebooking or stupid internet games. Old habits, connected purely to my ego.

Ignorance is a bliss they say, but I would disagree. Thats the reason why I was fed up with my life in the first place, just not knowing why or what I could do about it. Now that I know the reason, and what to do about it, I have had some really good times over the last months. Still I have let myself fall back into the chasms of the ego.

The thing is, until I face up to this, I will continue not meeting the girl for me. I will continue getting drunk (for the wrong reasons). And I will continue occupying my thoughts with mindless chatter from movies, the internet or whatever else have you.

As I have mentioned before, looking forward to these things being solved in the future, for example by going back to work every day and engaging in more meaningful activities while the summer fun is over, is impossible. The long road that it is, separating your self from your ego (meaning not letting the ego control your life), becoming aware and being able to contribute to a better world, can only happen right now.

For me, just being able to take the time and think about this and writing some of it down, is a huge step in that direction. The challenge is to make the next moment as meaningful as this one, and then the next one and the next one after that…

To be able to form meaningful relationships that can stand the test of lasting every moment left your life, to be able to write a good thesis on a meaningful subject, to be able to take pleasure in everyday “mundane” activities and to be able to stay in that good space connecting you with the chore of the universe, you need to be starting with this moment right now. If you can, thats good. If youre not able in the next moment, try again in the next one. The upside to this, is that once you have started on this journey, this long road of moments, you can only get better at it. And the better you get the easier it will be to stay on the road.

My ego is still strong enough to keep dragging me away from the road. But this is in essence a good thing as long as I am aware of it. Earlier I wrote about positive challenges, all of these hishaps of my ego taking control will happen again and again as long as I dont start looking at them for what they are; challenges that I need to handle positively and peacefully to be able to get to where I want to be.

And that place is right now. I just thought I would remind my self of that =)

Giving and receiving

People always give thanks…

But who stops to think about what a “thank you” means? Or perhaps more importantly, how it is received?

Both giving and receiving are hugely misinterpreted and underestimated parts of life.

I could say that I owe a huge debt to Khalil Gibran on teaching me on this subject, and also others, but;

that would be misenterpreting their very words…

Copyright is a horrible, horrible atrocity against peace and development. Nothing can ever be copyrighted in its true sense. To even think that you can, is a complete fabrication from your own ego. Let me just mention a few, and there are many more; human genomes, plant genomes, the recipe of coca cola, the recipe of cigarettes, software, music and movies.

I try my best to give compliments as often as I can. Small or big, when I give a compliment I try to tell the person whom I give it to WHY I give it. “You’re great” makes no sense to me. Why are you great?. Mostly people say “You’re great” to make a statement that their own ego endorses your behaviour, meaning they themselves ultimately give the compliment to make themselves look good.

Believe it or not, people are even worse at receving compliments. “don’t worry”, “that’s ok”, “don’t even think about it” are common responses to a compliment. Also, you have; “really? wow, thanks!!!” and thank you thank you thank you thank you soooooooooooooo much!!!!!!”

Disregarding a compliment like “don’t worry about it” is quite common I believe, because not many ppl know how to GIVE a real compliment. Its just a quick reply to one of the typical attempts to make the giver of the compliment (I will use the made-up word complimentor from here on) feel good about his/her own behaviour. But once in a while, a real compliment comes along…and your learned response is still to say “don’t worry about it”.

It would be better if we could _all the time_ look at a compliment as a real compliment. This would first of all baffle the complimentor if the compliment was not real, meaning he/she would be surprised at your response and think twice before giving you a non-real compliment again. Second, but not least, it would change the way you yourself look at compliments. Lets have an example;

a) “Wow, you look fantastic!!”

b) “Really? Wow, thanks!!!!”

could be changed into;

a) “Wow, you look fantastic”

b) “Really? I love the fact that you take the time to compliment me, so I’d like to take the opportunity to ask  what it is that makes me look better tonight than other nights?”

Some would frown upon asking, and being asked that question. Only your egos frown upon that question.

If you are not completely identified with your ego, meaning that you didnt give the compliment to make yourself look good, you would LOVE to have that question asked back. My goal would be not to be asked that question back in the first place. A compliment is not “you look good” or “you are great”. It is:

1. Stating the fact. Could be you look good or it could be mentioning a certain thing that he/she did that you like.

2. Telling the person how this impression or act makes you feel. Obviously you should be feeling good in order to be giving a compliment;

3. Tell him/her why that makes you feel good. What kind of need inside of you (because ultimately, if you feel good it is always some way or another based on how this person is meeting your needs) is it that is being met that is causing you to feel good? It could be your need for friendship, your need for esthetics, even your need for feeling good about yourself (just a few examples).

Ok, I admit…if you go around doing this, people will get startled, maybe even think you are a bit of a wacko. But why do they think this? Its just because you are promoting a behaviour that isn’t common. What is more important is what ELSE will this person think? He/she, and I guarantee you this, will also think “wow, the way this person gives a compliment really resonates with me somehow. Even if I dont dont why, I kind of like it.”

Doing this, taking the risk of looking like a complete idiot in the eyes of egos all around you, will benefit you because;

1. Being honest and open about how you feel, and not giving compliments just to make yourself feel good, will make people who are open and honest look to you and say; Hey…you are interesting, I’d like to know more about you.

2. Even if you dont get that kind of response, you are a part of changing the way people interact with one another in a positive way, which can only benefit you and all people in the long run.

So, thats just the one aspect; How do you give compliments. Lets see how you look at other people giving compliments?

All the time, you hear; “wow, you look great” (not necessarily aimed at yourself, but at girls/guys around you). I know that I do, so Im guessing at least some of you do to; think that this person giving the compliment is a complete idiot only wanting to serve his/her own interests by giving compliments. But hey;

We have all been there, and sometimes even if we know better, what comes out of our mouths because of habit or lack of time/space, etc is the ego kind of compliment. So here is the real clue; If you start looking at other peoples compliments as if they were REAL compliments, and you assume that they are, you would start asking that excact question; “Really? I love the fact that you take the time to compliment me, so I’d like to take the opportunity to ask  what it is that makes me look better tonight than other nights?” (or whatever question would be appropriate to find out more about why the compliment is given).

What this means, basically, is giving people the time and the space to think twice, to open up and to elaborate on why your prescence/behaviour makes them feel good. If you walk away, thinking “oh, my god, this person has no idea how to give a real compliment” (and I KNOW most of you girls at least have thought this at some point) you have missed out. Not just missed out on an opportunity to give someone who reaches out to you the time and space to tell you more about whats going on inside of them, but also missing out on giving humans everywhere (including yourself)  a helping hand in getting better at positive, peaceful communication.

Of course, sometimes you might find out that there was nothing more behind the compliment than just the complimentor wanting to pursue his/her sexual interests or some other interests. But thats ok! At least you made this person AND yourself think and be more present and aware in the situation. And who knows? At some point you might connect truly with someone who you would normally just write off immediately.

Taking a compliment in a good way, as I have briefly mentioned already, is also of utter importance. This means several things;

1. As mentioned, taking it as an opportunity to connect with another person and learning more about yourself and the other.

2. Not being too grateful. Keep in mind that the act of giving a compliment is reward enough for the person giving to you if it is founded on a positive, constructive and peaceful manner of relating to the world around you. Your only real contribution to this will be accepting the compliment in a rewarding manner, for yourself and the person giving it to you, namely taking the opportunity to connect with the person. Being too grateful will just feed your own egos need to depend on others or on the other hand being too arrogant about it also feeds your egos interest to feel powerful and better than others.

Having copyrights means you don’t give any compliments. Neither to the people who came before you and made your discovery /accomplishment possible nor to the people who will enjoy and build on your work for centuries.

If you refuse giving, you refuse life. In the best case, you just hamper lifes positive development and influence, in the worst case your actions are destructive and lead to suffering for others and yourself.

You are the dance

There are good things happening. All around me.

There is an episode in “House” where this girl says something like this;

Life is all a big elevator ride…You are in this space and people enter your life, and then they leave. Some stay with you for minutes, some for hours, some for days and some for years. Life consists of these meetings, and what you learn from these meetings decide which floor you end up on.

Everytime you meet a person, wanting to come in to the elevator, and you deny him/her the right to do so, you deny life itself. Our predjudices toward certain people, be they smelly, fat, poor or stupid looking, is on crash course with love.

You yourself, are not different from any smelly, fat, poor, stupid looking person. The very fact that  you think you are, probably makes you a worse person than anyone else.

I tell you, any person that comes in to YOUR elevator represents a challenge and a learning opportunity. Turn it down, and you will be rewarded with having to relive that chance over and over again. Which means, you will not move forward as a person until you have resolved the positive challenge that lies ahead. If you think its bullshit, it means you are bullshit. If you think its unjustified, it means you are unjust. If you think its bad luck, it doesnt mean you are unlucky but it means that until you resolve this issue within yourself you will continue being “unlucky”.

There is no such thing as bad luck. You get what you deserve. That might sound negative, but its not. Look at it this way;

Life is a dancer and you are the dance. You are the expression of a universal life force that brought life into existence. If you embrace life, life will embrace you. If you reject life, life will reject you.

Or in other words;

If you look at yourself and life in a positive way, embracing every moment for what its worth, life will reward you in plenty. Not necessarily in wealth and success, but in giving you the challenges you need to grow. If your receive challenge after challenge, embrace them and try to deal with them in positive ways. If you dont, you will be given the same challenge over and over and over again until you do or until you die. It might not always take the same form, but it will be different expressions of what you need to overcome in a positive way, until you do. When you do, life will always give you new challenges, we are all students of life. But in time your challenges wont seem like challenges anymore. They will seem like pleasurable endeavours, tasks that will challenge you to influence your own life and of those around you in a positive way.

If you look at yourself and life in a negative way, you will still be handed challenges. The more negative your approach is, the more negative your challenges might seem. But they are not. They are indeed the same challenges that we all have to go through, they only seem worse because of your approach to them. As long as you look at life at its challenges in a negative fashion, you will continue to see suffering and problems all around you.

Even in my alcoholic summer days here in Norway, I am still taking on lifes challenges in a positive way. This has lead me to meet very diverse people. Instead of thinking this person is ugly, this person is old, this person is young, this person is gay, this person is stupid, etc, I have taken the opportunity to try to get to know them better. Not caring about what my “friends” and others think about me while Im doing it, but just staying in the moment and being the best I can be, keeping as aware and positive as I can.

I am happy there is such a thing as a “summer craze” in Norway, but Im also very much looking forward to living in moments not far from now with a full time job working with troubled youth, spending time with my family, working manual labor at my parents cabin, reading good books and watching great movies. And of course, the occasional beer, but that wont be the most influential factor in my life like it is right now.

Part of me wants to say “I cant wait”. But I know better. There is no such thing as a future and there is no such thing as a past. The future is nothing but your present hopes and dreams, all keeping you from living the present moment to its full extent. The past is nothing but peoples memory of past moments of “now”, the way they remember it right now. It will never be the same again, because that moments “now” has passed.

You are the dance. You are the beautiful expression of lifes wanting to evolve and grow. You are the expression of millions of years, perhaps billions, of moments of now coming together in a new moment of now. Which is you, right now.

Live it.

Love it.

My Ego is quite clever

Having been sober most of the time since sunday morning (wow, what an achievement, right?), I am now telling myself that this drinking thing is not a problem. I mean, its summer, its festival time, etc. Also I “proved” to myself that I dont have a problem by going out having “only” four beers in the last two hours before closing time at my favourite pub and therefore being able to go out have a chill time without getting drunk.

Whoa, hang on just a sec. I am on to my self! My self is a sneaky bastard.

One of my favourite professors said (although Im sure he was quoting someone) “Dont ever underrate a persons ability of self delusion.”

Whenever something happens, that could make us open up and take an introspective look at who we really are and who we want to be, its just SO much easier to tell ourselves that its not our own fault, its nothing we can do about it right now, things will take care of themselves…

This behaviour can be called by different names. I will call it living in your Ego-based self (reference to Eckhart Tolle there). Most of us are identifying our real being with our (ego-based) selves to some degree. Up until a few months ago, I was living almost completely in the realm of self-centered suffering.

To say it in different words, but still the same essence as my first drunken blog post; Waking up from this state is a process. From what I  ve been told, the process can be quite difficult…but observing and catching your Ego in the act is a very important part of the first stages of this process.

This is the beginning of the journey of which I speak. I am writing this blog, not in the hopes of thousands of readers or fame. I am writing this blog, not to seem important or intelligent in the eyes of others egos.

I am writing this blog because it can help me move forward. It can help me hold shine more light on my own Egos actions. And through that light, help me distance my true self from the addictions and self-centeredness of having my Ego in charge of my life. And maybe, just maybe, through this blog reach out to someone who feels the same way but hasnt yet been able to figure out what this feeling is.

Stay humble,

Ola

Not Ready

I have had this blog now, for more than two weeks. Not posting anything. Which is a sign that I am not where I want to be.

But I know where it is that I want to be, and I know that Im getting there.

Nothing could be more suitable than writing my first blogpost while being drunk. It represents a part of me that I thought I was “over” but Im obviously not. Being drunk gives me nothing. I could just as well be drinking non-alcoholic drinks all night and still be the person I want to be….but Im actually really “great” at being drunk.

What Im saying is;

Im an addict. And this is where this blog starts.

I am an addict of many things;

Alcohol

Cigarettes

Sex

And not the least, the boost that these things bring to my ego.

This blog will be about the journey …becoming conscious of my behaviour and self-reflective of my choices and path forward.

Ill leave it at that for now, because Im drunk. I dont need the AA, I need self-reflection and the trust of my very good friends from all over the world. And here is where it starts.

Join me for the ride.